So, I am going back to work tomorrow. I truly feel blessed to have had the last nine weeks at home with Leah and have really enjoyed the time. I don't always like being a working mom and often wish I could stay home. I guess I could stay home if we were to completely change our lifestyle, but we (selfishly) like how we currently live.
Over the last few weeks I have thought a lot about this internal struggle I have about working versus staying home and have come to realize that my need to work goes beyond monetary advantages. I need time to myself... to be something besides a wife and mom.
I've always known that teaching is more than just a job, or even more than a career... it is a role I take on 8 hours a day, 9 months a year and that role matters. It matters to other mothers who entrust me with their children, it matters to my community, it matters to my coworkers who rely on me, it matters to all the children I teach, and it matters to my family that I use my education and skills. I believe that being a good teacher is a God-given talent and is an integral part of who I am as a woman. I need my job to feel complete.
It takes a lot to admit this because with this realization comes guilt. On so many levels my husband and children are more than enough and I feel guilty for even thinking that my job is important. I sometimes think I am supposed to hate working and feel forced to go everyday, but I don't. Most days I look forward to going and spending time with my coworkers (who I am blessed to be able to call some of my closest friends) and I truly love to teach young children. Denying that I enjoy working and that I like my job is like denying a piece of me. Do I have to deny myself completely to be the best mother I can be? I don't think so... in fact I think I am a happier, healthier mother for admitting how I feel and for giving in to that need.
I would be remiss if I didn't add a disclaimer to these thoughts... my feelings might be completely different if my situation changed. I mean, I work from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. five days a week with weekends, holidays and summers off. I have an amazing private babysitter who attends the same church we do and a very giving mother-in-law who is willing to step in and care for my children whenever I need. I also have a husband who works the exact same schedule in the same district who teaches our preschooler four half-days a week. I have a more-than-adequate salary and excellent benefits, and I work in a safe, wonderful school. I realize that as far as a full time job is concerned, being the Title I teacher at M.E.S. is best-case-scenario for me.
My thoughts aren't meant to offend, but merely an outlet for me to express how I have been feeling lately and as a release for the guilt I have felt for working at all and then for realizing that I need it. Every person is different and we all need different things to make us whole... God blesses us all in different ways and I have finally learned to admit that my job is a blessing.
Now, someone will need to remind me of this revelation tomorrow morning when I fight back tears as I leave my precious new baby girl to return to work... I guess I'll always be a mother first. After all that's how it should be and I wouldn't have it any other way!!
2 comments:
Hannah, that's precious! And, you know, you're right about it being different for everyone. But I don't think there is any reason you should feel guilty about your job when your girls are well taken care of and loved by you, your family and others who are caregivers.
I know tomorrow will be difficult, but you already know how fun it is to walk into the room and have your child so excited to see you, and vice versa.
Yes, you are very blessed and your children and husband are blessed to have a mommy and wife who loves her life and is thankful for it...ALL of it!
I wish all working moms who feel that guilt could read this.
Praying your day goes smoothly! This was beautifully written, Hannah.
Yes, you are a blessing to more than just your family by teaching! I'm SO thankful for my kids' teachers. And glad to hear that they don't all hate being stuck there with my kid :) I feel guilty for being home and NOT giving enough to others outside of my household...I think it's natural for us to feel guilty about WHATEVER we are NOT. Thank you for doing ALL of the jobs God has called you to! What a blessing you are to your precious girls and family, as well as the students and teachers whose lives you touch!
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